Moving out

I’m home almost two weeks now and I should never have come back to this house! I should have gone straight to my house at college, I was going to do it anyway because I knew I’d have time to breathe there and nobody would know I was back so I wouldn’t need to deal with anyone and I’d have time to process things but I went against my better judgement and decided to come back to this house instead because I didn’t want to be alone…..something I regret!!!!  

I really regret coming back to this house, I can’t handle it here anymore it is way too dysfunctional (but that’s a whole other post). I have to go back down to my college house because I literally cannot function anymore and I’m afraid if I stay here any longer I’m going to lose my mind. So I’m moving back down to my house on Sunday and I asked one of the other housemates to move in on Sunday too because even though I know I need to be alone, I’m too scared to spend any time alone. If I’m honest I think I’m more scared of myself and my own thoughts more so then I’m scared of other people.

I told my friends I flew home and went straight to my college house because they all kept wanting me to meet up and go out and I just haven’t got the strength to paint my happy mask on for that long and my friends never take no for an answer so I had to tell them a white lie. I feel bad but its better then always telling them no. I want to see them I want to socialise but I know I would just cry and probably have a panic attack and I don’t want any of them to know what happened because I can’t be that selfish so the solution is to stay away from the world in my little disordered bubble.

Sometimes I wish I could tear down my walls and let someone in but then people show me why they’re there in the first place. It’s just so lonely! I want to be happy again, I want to feel like me again!

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