I’m tired of feeling like this…..

I’m just plain tired. I can’t sleep at all I’ve been running on caffeine, berroca tablets and energy drinks because I can’t risk falling asleep and having a nightmare. So I’ve been keeping myself awake I’ve had a power nap here and there but I know I’m going to crash soon and it scares me, because as soon as I close my eyes I’ll see his face…with that smile. I can’t get a moments peace in my head, it’s like torture. I want more than anything to have a good night’s sleep, I love my sleep I love being lazy and cosy in bed until the middle of the day but here I am exhausted and unable to sleep and not wanting to either.

I can’t eat but also I think a part of me won’t eat. My tummy is still in knots you know that horrible feeling you get when you’re scared and you’re tummy is almost doing somersaults well that’s permanent for me at the moment and even the thought of food makes me feel sick. When I eat it comes up straight away and if it doesn’t I make it come up and I know I shouldn’t but the pain of it in my tummy is unbearable. I manage to avoid food practically all day but every now and then I just can’t resist and binge really badly which is followed by fun…NOT.  My throat is in bits from throwing up so now even tea is hurting because it’s burning all the way down.

I know where this road leads but I won’t let it get that bad. I won’t let it get so bad that I start to pass out or need physical intervention. I know how to keep my blood sugars up so I don’t faint and if I start to lose weight I can hide it and nobody will notice. Not eating has already got me fired I don’t want anything else in my life to go away I know I’ll be banned from horse riding if my uncle finds out because he’ll think it’s not safe but its fine…I’m fine. If I feel weak I won’t go up to the yard or I’ll eat something small but right now I need that physical torture I need to escape my mental torment I’ll stop before it gets too bad.

I’m just tired of everything. I just want to feel nothing at all. I feel so guilty and upset with myself that I was angry at people I shouldn’t be. I was angry at everyone back in America…I still kind of am and I know I shouldn’t be I just feel abandoned by them. Even though I know they did everything and more for me. They didn’t owe me anything and they still looked after me especially everyone at EVR and my boss/friend/mother hen (that’s what Tim called her I think it’s funny :P), she did everything she could for me and more, she literally went out of her way to look out for me and she was so busy and had so much to deal with but she still did everything for me, she drove me around looking for clinics to take me, she stayed with me during all the police interviews, she was there every time I broke down in tears and just listened to me, she stayed with me at night-time, she was there to talk to, she looked out for me and she gave the best hugs ever. She wasn’t obliged to do any of it and still did, I even got her in trouble and she still did everything she could for me, she was like my rock when everything else was crumbling around me, she’s the best!!! All the girls at EVR were, they were all so patient and understanding with me, they did everything they could for me and didn’t mind me keeping them awake but…..

I can’t help but feel abandoned by them now and I know that’s incredibly selfish and I have no right to feel this way because they owe me nothing, they did everything for me but that’s just it they did everything for me and was there for me 24/7 and now nothing. I haven’t heard from anyone, I even tried facebooking one of the girls but no reply and I feel like I’ve done something really awful to them I just don’t know what 😦 I want to talk to them to have a conversation, see how everything is going back in EVR but I can’t because they don’t want to talk to me now and it hurts I guess. I’m angry at myself for feeling this way because I have no right. I’m so grateful for their help but now I feel so alone 😦 I had such a strong support network back in America and now I have zero support and I can’t handle it. I’m falling apart and there is nobody to put me back together again.

I wish I could speak to them, I just don’t think they want to speak to me……………..

Home…….almost!

So I’m home…..I had to think of an excuse to tell everyone why I was home. What could I tell them? Oh they fired me because I couldn’t eat or sleep and became too weak and kept breaking down all because of something that happened out of my control because I became too much of a liability. Eh no!  I came up with some crappy excuse about my visa being messed up so I had to come home….they fell for it but I wish they hadn’t. All anyone wants to know is how was America and I told them the truth it was the best summer of my life I met some amazing people, had the most amazing experiences, got to work in a perfect job that I absolutely loved, had the time of my life……….I just left out the part about it being the worst summer of my life aswell. How do you slip that into conversation?

Everyone keeps asking how am I? With a fake smile I lie and tell them I’m fine but even if I wanted to tell them the truth what am I supposed to tell them when I don’t even know how I feel. First of I’d have to admit everything that happened and I will never be that selfish especially when my family needs me right now. I don’t know how to process anything I’m feeling, I’m sad one minute and angry the next. I’m angry at the situation, at myself, at people I shouldn’t be, I’m angry and I don’t like it! I feel angry because everyone has abandoned me even though I know it’s not their job to look after me, I’m an adult as they kept saying and I have to face the adult consequences. It just hurts. I may be an adult but I never asked for any of this to happen.

I’m angry because if people didn’t want to deal with me they should never of even been there in the first place. I feel like a security blanket was ripped out from under my feet. When all this happened everyone was there for me and bent over backwards to do anything and everything for me and I felt guilty because I felt like a burden that they didn’t need especially when everyone had a job to do and kids to mind. I guess I went against my instinct and depended on that help. People were there for me to talk to, they kept shifts at night to wake me from my nightmares so I didn’t have to be as scared, they stayed with me when I felt scared, they tried to make me laugh when I felt sad. They did everything they could to make me feel better they are all amazing. 

But I caused to much hassle and became to much of a liability and I’m sorry 😦 I didn’t mean to ruin anyones summer or to stop them from doing their jobs. I was scared to come home and be by myself but I knew staying there I was too much trouble for everyone to put up with when they’re there to have fun. I guess I should of gone home from day one but Tim more or less said that if I wanted to prosecute the case then I would need to stay in the country and I just didn’t know how to process anything.  After everyone convinced me to prosecute and I went through the horrible police statements and hospital (which I was supported the whole way through by an amazing person) and was mentally preparing myself for the grand jury and whatever else Tim said I get fired and I know why I did but it doesn’t stop me being angry which then makes me even angrier that I’m angry and urgh. Thats what makes me angry if I wasn’t going to be allowed stay in the first place why make me go through all of that only for him to get away with it!

I’m angry! I’m angry because I knew from the start that I was to blame, that it was my fault, that I had it coming and everyone kept convincing me otherwise and I started to listen to them but I guess they realised as much as I do that this is my fault and I’m the one to blame and shouldn’t be helped and that prosecuting is a waste of time because I shouldn’t blame others for things I’ve caused. I’m angry because I hate feeling like this I hate being angry at the only people that tried to help. I hate myself for it! I hate that I got to experience what help is, I hate that I got a glimpse of hope, of someone looking out for me, protecting me and being the strong one for once. I hate myself for depending on someone and needing them. I hate it! I’m supposed to be the strong one I’m the one thats there for everyone else. I’m not supposed to be helped

I’m angry because I know the only person to blame in all of this is me. I’m the f*ck up! I’m the one that couldn’t eat, that couldn’t sleep, that kept breaking down in tears all the time, I’m the one that got scared, I’m the one that depended on everyone else and ruined whatever fun they wanted to have, I’m the one that brought up bad memories for loads of people, I’m the one that couldn’t put on a brave smile and pretend everything was just peachy. I’m angry that this happened to me even though I know I deserved it.

Most of all I’m angry that I just can’t accept this that I keep questioning why me. I know that I deserved this, I know that it was my fault, I know this but yet I just want to know why. Why do I cause so many bad things, what have I done in my life that is so bad, why do all the bad things happen to me, why am I worth peoples time and effort, why can’t I be strong enough to get over this, why do I feel so scared and needy, why did it happen to me, what have I done that is so wrong? WHY!

A painful waste of time!

I decided to start a blog because I find it easier to process my thoughts when they’re written down and I considered a diary but then what if someone found it and read it they’d know so much and I’d have to explain so much whereas now I can write this blog and nobody will know its me and I can just say how I feel instead of always having to be the strong one!

Well I finally got through to my counsellor person or whoever she is the person Tim sent to me and I’ve just discovered for definite that as soon as I leave the country which is this evening I can’t take a case against him. I had a feeling that was the case so I didn’t look to go home even though I knew how much ahssle I was causing everyone I just wanted to get justice I guess I don’t know I guess I wanted a little bit of safety knowing the police were there 😦 But I went through all that pain and hurt for nothing, it was all a waste he still gets away with it and is a freeman. All along everyone kept telling me to do it for the next girl so that I stop it happening to them and nobody ever thought about my feelings and how horrible it was to talk about it over and over again how terrified I was each and every singe time but I did it because I didn’t want anyone else feeling like I do now. I finally came to terms with having to relive this over and over again so that I can take it through the process of the law and he would be stopped from harming anyone else and now that is taken away from me.

I accept that I deserved what happened to me, I accept that I had it coming but what I can’t accept is this fear, I’m supposed to be the strong one but here I am terrified and alone. Every noise makes me jump, every time I walk down the street I look back to make sure there is nobody there and I thought it would all end when the police had him but now I can’t even have that safety. Everything is out of my control, it’s not my decision not to prosecute it’s not my decision to go home, it’s not my decision to let him walk free but I have no choice in this. Everything is out of my control, in my life I am but a playing card and people play me how they see fit. What hurts the most is all that pain I went through to end up with nothing, I didn’t want to prosecute and rehash my story over and over again I just wanted to bury it and move on but everyone convinced me its the best thing to do not for me but for the next person so I did it and I finally came to terms with the process and was ready to face it but it was a painful waste of my time. 

He wins! After everything……. he took everything from me and he comes out on top, how is that fair! Why does he get to walk free! Why!!!!!

I’m back!!!!

So here I am again back to the beginning, just when I thought life might give me a break after everything I’ve fought through I realize that it was just wishful thinking. I decided to start this blog because I’m officially alone I’ve nobody to turn too, everyone that promised to be there for me just discards me when they’ve had enough, it’s why I have trouble opening up to people because my gut tells me they’ll only get sick of me and leave but I feel so alone all the time that I fall for peoples empty promises of hope. I fall for their lies that they’ll be there no matter what even after I warn them what I’m like they promise to never leave or let me down……I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that everyone eventually does. 

This time is different though, this time against all my better judgement I trusted someone and depended on them and they truly did help me they were there for me through extremely difficult experiences and they made me feel safe, they bent over backwards to help me and did everything they could to make sure I was ok……only to get rid of me when I became too much of a problem. Now here I am alone, vulnerable, scared and with nobody to turn to. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I understand why they got rid of me, I’m nothing but a bad seed, a bad omen that people don’t like to have around because bad stuff always happens when I’m around. It always happens to those I get close to and I guess  it just hurts. Just once I wish that I could have someone to turn to, someone to help me instead of me being the one who always has to pick up the pieces and hold everyone and everything together. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be open and it backfired. I guess I’m supposed to be alone. 

Even the counsellor wont pick up the phone, my investigator wont pick up the phone, I have nobody to call and stupid agency people keep ringing to “check” up on me but all I have to do is smile and act happy and thats them satisfied. They ask stupid questions like have I eaten or did I go out today well I’m hardly going to answer them truthfully to two complete strangers that are there to keep watch on me to make sure I don’t go off the rails before they can wipe their hands of me – the problem! They don’t have to wait much longer I fly home tomorrow.  

You see I’m nothing but a burden to people, I’m not supposed to be helped I’m the one thats supposed to help others and always be there for them and always no matter how I’m feeling pretend to be happy so that they don’t feel guilty for unloading on me…….but even though I know this I’m still human and I still need someone which I know sounds selfish but I can’t help it I just feel so weak. 😦 I’m not strong, I know it seems like I am but thats because I have to be strong for everyone else so they dont have to be but I’m falling apart. I’ve reached rock bottom but still keep falling and there is nobody there to catch me just spectators watching as I crash to the floor. 

People try to help until they realise how much of a burden I am and they leave me like I’m worth nothing and they’re right, I go against my better judgement and trust people because I’m so sick of feeling so alone only to end up right back at the beginning alone and vulnerable. 

I feel like I’m being punished for what he did. I get fired which I understand because I couldn’t do my job anymore, I was a liability to them and in business you have to protect your name but I don’t understand why I had to be shipped off like I was a threat to the kids, like I was a crazed person who would explode at anytime and go on some sort of rampage. Instead they decided to put me up in a hotel which is a really nice hotel but I’m alone in a country I don’t know with absolutely nobody to turn too. I’m terrified and the worst part is I can’t tell anyone when I get back to Ireland because there is so much going on at home that they need me to be strong so I have to go back and paint my fake little smile back on my face and pick up all the pieces for everyone else. 

What about me? Why can’t I matter too 😦 What do I do that causes all this, I know I’m to blame but I just want to fix the bad stuff not cause it 😦 I’m sorry for being such a burden and causing so much hassle for so many people this summer when all they wanted to do was help 😦