I’m tired of feeling like this…..

I’m just plain tired. I can’t sleep at all I’ve been running on caffeine, berroca tablets and energy drinks because I can’t risk falling asleep and having a nightmare. So I’ve been keeping myself awake I’ve had a power nap here and there but I know I’m going to crash soon and it scares me, because as soon as I close my eyes I’ll see his face…with that smile. I can’t get a moments peace in my head, it’s like torture. I want more than anything to have a good night’s sleep, I love my sleep I love being lazy and cosy in bed until the middle of the day but here I am exhausted and unable to sleep and not wanting to either.

I can’t eat but also I think a part of me won’t eat. My tummy is still in knots you know that horrible feeling you get when you’re scared and you’re tummy is almost doing somersaults well that’s permanent for me at the moment and even the thought of food makes me feel sick. When I eat it comes up straight away and if it doesn’t I make it come up and I know I shouldn’t but the pain of it in my tummy is unbearable. I manage to avoid food practically all day but every now and then I just can’t resist and binge really badly which is followed by fun…NOT.  My throat is in bits from throwing up so now even tea is hurting because it’s burning all the way down.

I know where this road leads but I won’t let it get that bad. I won’t let it get so bad that I start to pass out or need physical intervention. I know how to keep my blood sugars up so I don’t faint and if I start to lose weight I can hide it and nobody will notice. Not eating has already got me fired I don’t want anything else in my life to go away I know I’ll be banned from horse riding if my uncle finds out because he’ll think it’s not safe but its fine…I’m fine. If I feel weak I won’t go up to the yard or I’ll eat something small but right now I need that physical torture I need to escape my mental torment I’ll stop before it gets too bad.

I’m just tired of everything. I just want to feel nothing at all. I feel so guilty and upset with myself that I was angry at people I shouldn’t be. I was angry at everyone back in America…I still kind of am and I know I shouldn’t be I just feel abandoned by them. Even though I know they did everything and more for me. They didn’t owe me anything and they still looked after me especially everyone at EVR and my boss/friend/mother hen (that’s what Tim called her I think it’s funny :P), she did everything she could for me and more, she literally went out of her way to look out for me and she was so busy and had so much to deal with but she still did everything for me, she drove me around looking for clinics to take me, she stayed with me during all the police interviews, she was there every time I broke down in tears and just listened to me, she stayed with me at night-time, she was there to talk to, she looked out for me and she gave the best hugs ever. She wasn’t obliged to do any of it and still did, I even got her in trouble and she still did everything she could for me, she was like my rock when everything else was crumbling around me, she’s the best!!! All the girls at EVR were, they were all so patient and understanding with me, they did everything they could for me and didn’t mind me keeping them awake but…..

I can’t help but feel abandoned by them now and I know that’s incredibly selfish and I have no right to feel this way because they owe me nothing, they did everything for me but that’s just it they did everything for me and was there for me 24/7 and now nothing. I haven’t heard from anyone, I even tried facebooking one of the girls but no reply and I feel like I’ve done something really awful to them I just don’t know what 😦 I want to talk to them to have a conversation, see how everything is going back in EVR but I can’t because they don’t want to talk to me now and it hurts I guess. I’m angry at myself for feeling this way because I have no right. I’m so grateful for their help but now I feel so alone 😦 I had such a strong support network back in America and now I have zero support and I can’t handle it. I’m falling apart and there is nobody to put me back together again.

I wish I could speak to them, I just don’t think they want to speak to me……………..