Home…….almost!

So I’m home…..I had to think of an excuse to tell everyone why I was home. What could I tell them? Oh they fired me because I couldn’t eat or sleep and became too weak and kept breaking down all because of something that happened out of my control because I became too much of a liability. Eh no!  I came up with some crappy excuse about my visa being messed up so I had to come home….they fell for it but I wish they hadn’t. All anyone wants to know is how was America and I told them the truth it was the best summer of my life I met some amazing people, had the most amazing experiences, got to work in a perfect job that I absolutely loved, had the time of my life……….I just left out the part about it being the worst summer of my life aswell. How do you slip that into conversation?

Everyone keeps asking how am I? With a fake smile I lie and tell them I’m fine but even if I wanted to tell them the truth what am I supposed to tell them when I don’t even know how I feel. First of I’d have to admit everything that happened and I will never be that selfish especially when my family needs me right now. I don’t know how to process anything I’m feeling, I’m sad one minute and angry the next. I’m angry at the situation, at myself, at people I shouldn’t be, I’m angry and I don’t like it! I feel angry because everyone has abandoned me even though I know it’s not their job to look after me, I’m an adult as they kept saying and I have to face the adult consequences. It just hurts. I may be an adult but I never asked for any of this to happen.

I’m angry because if people didn’t want to deal with me they should never of even been there in the first place. I feel like a security blanket was ripped out from under my feet. When all this happened everyone was there for me and bent over backwards to do anything and everything for me and I felt guilty because I felt like a burden that they didn’t need especially when everyone had a job to do and kids to mind. I guess I went against my instinct and depended on that help. People were there for me to talk to, they kept shifts at night to wake me from my nightmares so I didn’t have to be as scared, they stayed with me when I felt scared, they tried to make me laugh when I felt sad. They did everything they could to make me feel better they are all amazing. 

But I caused to much hassle and became to much of a liability and I’m sorry 😦 I didn’t mean to ruin anyones summer or to stop them from doing their jobs. I was scared to come home and be by myself but I knew staying there I was too much trouble for everyone to put up with when they’re there to have fun. I guess I should of gone home from day one but Tim more or less said that if I wanted to prosecute the case then I would need to stay in the country and I just didn’t know how to process anything.  After everyone convinced me to prosecute and I went through the horrible police statements and hospital (which I was supported the whole way through by an amazing person) and was mentally preparing myself for the grand jury and whatever else Tim said I get fired and I know why I did but it doesn’t stop me being angry which then makes me even angrier that I’m angry and urgh. Thats what makes me angry if I wasn’t going to be allowed stay in the first place why make me go through all of that only for him to get away with it!

I’m angry! I’m angry because I knew from the start that I was to blame, that it was my fault, that I had it coming and everyone kept convincing me otherwise and I started to listen to them but I guess they realised as much as I do that this is my fault and I’m the one to blame and shouldn’t be helped and that prosecuting is a waste of time because I shouldn’t blame others for things I’ve caused. I’m angry because I hate feeling like this I hate being angry at the only people that tried to help. I hate myself for it! I hate that I got to experience what help is, I hate that I got a glimpse of hope, of someone looking out for me, protecting me and being the strong one for once. I hate myself for depending on someone and needing them. I hate it! I’m supposed to be the strong one I’m the one thats there for everyone else. I’m not supposed to be helped

I’m angry because I know the only person to blame in all of this is me. I’m the f*ck up! I’m the one that couldn’t eat, that couldn’t sleep, that kept breaking down in tears all the time, I’m the one that got scared, I’m the one that depended on everyone else and ruined whatever fun they wanted to have, I’m the one that brought up bad memories for loads of people, I’m the one that couldn’t put on a brave smile and pretend everything was just peachy. I’m angry that this happened to me even though I know I deserved it.

Most of all I’m angry that I just can’t accept this that I keep questioning why me. I know that I deserved this, I know that it was my fault, I know this but yet I just want to know why. Why do I cause so many bad things, what have I done in my life that is so bad, why do all the bad things happen to me, why am I worth peoples time and effort, why can’t I be strong enough to get over this, why do I feel so scared and needy, why did it happen to me, what have I done that is so wrong? WHY!

A painful waste of time!

I decided to start a blog because I find it easier to process my thoughts when they’re written down and I considered a diary but then what if someone found it and read it they’d know so much and I’d have to explain so much whereas now I can write this blog and nobody will know its me and I can just say how I feel instead of always having to be the strong one!

Well I finally got through to my counsellor person or whoever she is the person Tim sent to me and I’ve just discovered for definite that as soon as I leave the country which is this evening I can’t take a case against him. I had a feeling that was the case so I didn’t look to go home even though I knew how much ahssle I was causing everyone I just wanted to get justice I guess I don’t know I guess I wanted a little bit of safety knowing the police were there 😦 But I went through all that pain and hurt for nothing, it was all a waste he still gets away with it and is a freeman. All along everyone kept telling me to do it for the next girl so that I stop it happening to them and nobody ever thought about my feelings and how horrible it was to talk about it over and over again how terrified I was each and every singe time but I did it because I didn’t want anyone else feeling like I do now. I finally came to terms with having to relive this over and over again so that I can take it through the process of the law and he would be stopped from harming anyone else and now that is taken away from me.

I accept that I deserved what happened to me, I accept that I had it coming but what I can’t accept is this fear, I’m supposed to be the strong one but here I am terrified and alone. Every noise makes me jump, every time I walk down the street I look back to make sure there is nobody there and I thought it would all end when the police had him but now I can’t even have that safety. Everything is out of my control, it’s not my decision not to prosecute it’s not my decision to go home, it’s not my decision to let him walk free but I have no choice in this. Everything is out of my control, in my life I am but a playing card and people play me how they see fit. What hurts the most is all that pain I went through to end up with nothing, I didn’t want to prosecute and rehash my story over and over again I just wanted to bury it and move on but everyone convinced me its the best thing to do not for me but for the next person so I did it and I finally came to terms with the process and was ready to face it but it was a painful waste of my time. 

He wins! After everything……. he took everything from me and he comes out on top, how is that fair! Why does he get to walk free! Why!!!!!