Anymore lectures?

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel but it’s just that I don’t know. I can’t distinguish between my feelings anymore and go from sad to angry to upset to anything in a matter of seconds. The tiniest of things will make me cry and the tiniest of things will make me angry but its all internal, I don’t let any of it out unless I’m alone. I can’t stand being around anyone and just seem to be existing 😦 All I want to do is stay in my room hidden from the world all day but that’s impossible until I move into my actual house (at the moment I’m staying in my parents’ house).

I decided to leave the house yesterday (bad idea) and go visit the doctor because even though I got a test in America I haven’t gotten the results yet and I knew there was something wrong and needed antibiotics but I regret going. The doctor started off with giving me a lecture on safe sex and condoms and how irresponsible I’ve been. How dare she be judgemental and lecture someone who went to her for help!!! Even if I had consciously chosen not to use a condom it’s not her place to look down on me how dare she think she is better than anyone.

Even after I explained to her the situation and asked her to help she treated me like I was a problem she needed to get rid of. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. She treated me like I was worth nothing and all she wanted to do was wipe her hands of me. I even told her how I couldn’t eat or sleep and was having panic attacks and she just acted like it was nothing didn’t even offer me a solution she just started on another lecture about how sleep is so important and I need to eat. Yes thanks doctor I realise how important food and sleep are I don’t need you to tell me that what I need you to tell me is how to eat without it coming back up and how to sleep without getting night terrors!!!!

Eventually I just gave up realising she wasn’t going to help me and asked if there was anyone else that could help. She gave me the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (D.R.C.C) number and I’ve still yet to call them 😦 I rang them a few times but hung up before they picked up. I just don’t know what to say to them and I still feel like I don’t deserve help 😦 The only reason I’m trying to get help is because I keep breaking down and I’m scared urgh I don’t even know 😦 I just feel so alone, I wish someone else would do all this for me and I could just show up. That’s not the real world though.

I wish I was brave, and had the strength to talk to someone, to make that call, to heal myself. I wish I was brave enough to call Jennie and apologise for how mad I was, tell her how much her help meant to me, how amazing she is and how I couldn’t of gotten this far without her. I wish I was strong enough to deal with all of this instead of breaking down. I wish I was strong enough to eat and keep it down. I wish someone would help me and try to understand me instead of me always being the one that has to understand everyone else’s point of view and their problems. I wish I knew who I was, the type of person I am, instead of just believing and accepting everyone else’s opinion, surely even I can’t be that bad…..or maybe I am? 😦 I wish I deserved help….