So I’m home…..I had to think of an excuse to tell everyone why I was home. What could I tell them? Oh they fired me because I couldn’t eat or sleep and became too weak and kept breaking down all because of something that happened out of my control because I became too much of a liability. Eh no!  I came up with some crappy excuse about my visa being messed up so I had to come home….they fell for it but I wish they hadn’t. All anyone wants to know is how was America and I told them the truth it was the best summer of my life I met some amazing people, had the most amazing experiences, got to work in a perfect job that I absolutely loved, had the time of my life……….I just left out the part about it being the worst summer of my life aswell. How do you slip that into conversation?

Everyone keeps asking how am I? With a fake smile I lie and tell them I’m fine but even if I wanted to tell them the truth what am I supposed to tell them when I don’t even know how I feel. First of I’d have to admit everything that happened and I will never be that selfish especially when my family needs me right now. I don’t know how to process anything I’m feeling, I’m sad one minute and angry the next. I’m angry at the situation, at myself, at people I shouldn’t be, I’m angry and I don’t like it! I feel angry because everyone has abandoned me even though I know it’s not their job to look after me, I’m an adult as they kept saying and I have to face the adult consequences. It just hurts. I may be an adult but I never asked for any of this to happen.

I’m angry because if people didn’t want to deal with me they should never of even been there in the first place. I feel like a security blanket was ripped out from under my feet. When all this happened everyone was there for me and bent over backwards to do anything and everything for me and I felt guilty because I felt like a burden that they didn’t need especially when everyone had a job to do and kids to mind. I guess I went against my instinct and depended on that help. People were there for me to talk to, they kept shifts at night to wake me from my nightmares so I didn’t have to be as scared, they stayed with me when I felt scared, they tried to make me laugh when I felt sad. They did everything they could to make me feel better they are all amazing. 

But I caused to much hassle and became to much of a liability and I’m sorry 😦 I didn’t mean to ruin anyones summer or to stop them from doing their jobs. I was scared to come home and be by myself but I knew staying there I was too much trouble for everyone to put up with when they’re there to have fun. I guess I should of gone home from day one but Tim more or less said that if I wanted to prosecute the case then I would need to stay in the country and I just didn’t know how to process anything.  After everyone convinced me to prosecute and I went through the horrible police statements and hospital (which I was supported the whole way through by an amazing person) and was mentally preparing myself for the grand jury and whatever else Tim said I get fired and I know why I did but it doesn’t stop me being angry which then makes me even angrier that I’m angry and urgh. Thats what makes me angry if I wasn’t going to be allowed stay in the first place why make me go through all of that only for him to get away with it!

I’m angry! I’m angry because I knew from the start that I was to blame, that it was my fault, that I had it coming and everyone kept convincing me otherwise and I started to listen to them but I guess they realised as much as I do that this is my fault and I’m the one to blame and shouldn’t be helped and that prosecuting is a waste of time because I shouldn’t blame others for things I’ve caused. I’m angry because I hate feeling like this I hate being angry at the only people that tried to help. I hate myself for it! I hate that I got to experience what help is, I hate that I got a glimpse of hope, of someone looking out for me, protecting me and being the strong one for once. I hate myself for depending on someone and needing them. I hate it! I’m supposed to be the strong one I’m the one thats there for everyone else. I’m not supposed to be helped

I’m angry because I know the only person to blame in all of this is me. I’m the f*ck up! I’m the one that couldn’t eat, that couldn’t sleep, that kept breaking down in tears all the time, I’m the one that got scared, I’m the one that depended on everyone else and ruined whatever fun they wanted to have, I’m the one that brought up bad memories for loads of people, I’m the one that couldn’t put on a brave smile and pretend everything was just peachy. I’m angry that this happened to me even though I know I deserved it.

Most of all I’m angry that I just can’t accept this that I keep questioning why me. I know that I deserved this, I know that it was my fault, I know this but yet I just want to know why. Why do I cause so many bad things, what have I done in my life that is so bad, why do all the bad things happen to me, why am I worth peoples time and effort, why can’t I be strong enough to get over this, why do I feel so scared and needy, why did it happen to me, what have I done that is so wrong? WHY!


I’m back!!!!

So here I am again back to the beginning, just when I thought life might give me a break after everything I’ve fought through I realize that it was just wishful thinking. I decided to start this blog because I’m officially alone I’ve nobody to turn too, everyone that promised to be there for me just discards me when they’ve had enough, it’s why I have trouble opening up to people because my gut tells me they’ll only get sick of me and leave but I feel so alone all the time that I fall for peoples empty promises of hope. I fall for their lies that they’ll be there no matter what even after I warn them what I’m like they promise to never leave or let me down……I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that everyone eventually does. 

This time is different though, this time against all my better judgement I trusted someone and depended on them and they truly did help me they were there for me through extremely difficult experiences and they made me feel safe, they bent over backwards to help me and did everything they could to make sure I was ok……only to get rid of me when I became too much of a problem. Now here I am alone, vulnerable, scared and with nobody to turn to. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I understand why they got rid of me, I’m nothing but a bad seed, a bad omen that people don’t like to have around because bad stuff always happens when I’m around. It always happens to those I get close to and I guess  it just hurts. Just once I wish that I could have someone to turn to, someone to help me instead of me being the one who always has to pick up the pieces and hold everyone and everything together. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be open and it backfired. I guess I’m supposed to be alone. 

Even the counsellor wont pick up the phone, my investigator wont pick up the phone, I have nobody to call and stupid agency people keep ringing to “check” up on me but all I have to do is smile and act happy and thats them satisfied. They ask stupid questions like have I eaten or did I go out today well I’m hardly going to answer them truthfully to two complete strangers that are there to keep watch on me to make sure I don’t go off the rails before they can wipe their hands of me – the problem! They don’t have to wait much longer I fly home tomorrow.  

You see I’m nothing but a burden to people, I’m not supposed to be helped I’m the one thats supposed to help others and always be there for them and always no matter how I’m feeling pretend to be happy so that they don’t feel guilty for unloading on me…….but even though I know this I’m still human and I still need someone which I know sounds selfish but I can’t help it I just feel so weak. 😦 I’m not strong, I know it seems like I am but thats because I have to be strong for everyone else so they dont have to be but I’m falling apart. I’ve reached rock bottom but still keep falling and there is nobody there to catch me just spectators watching as I crash to the floor. 

People try to help until they realise how much of a burden I am and they leave me like I’m worth nothing and they’re right, I go against my better judgement and trust people because I’m so sick of feeling so alone only to end up right back at the beginning alone and vulnerable. 

I feel like I’m being punished for what he did. I get fired which I understand because I couldn’t do my job anymore, I was a liability to them and in business you have to protect your name but I don’t understand why I had to be shipped off like I was a threat to the kids, like I was a crazed person who would explode at anytime and go on some sort of rampage. Instead they decided to put me up in a hotel which is a really nice hotel but I’m alone in a country I don’t know with absolutely nobody to turn too. I’m terrified and the worst part is I can’t tell anyone when I get back to Ireland because there is so much going on at home that they need me to be strong so I have to go back and paint my fake little smile back on my face and pick up all the pieces for everyone else. 

What about me? Why can’t I matter too 😦 What do I do that causes all this, I know I’m to blame but I just want to fix the bad stuff not cause it 😦 I’m sorry for being such a burden and causing so much hassle for so many people this summer when all they wanted to do was help 😦