A painful waste of time!

I decided to start a blog because I find it easier to process my thoughts when they’re written down and I considered a diary but then what if someone found it and read it they’d know so much and I’d have to explain so much whereas now I can write this blog and nobody will know its me and I can just say how I feel instead of always having to be the strong one!

Well I finally got through to my counsellor person or whoever she is the person Tim sent to me and I’ve just discovered for definite that as soon as I leave the country which is this evening I can’t take a case against him. I had a feeling that was the case so I didn’t look to go home even though I knew how much ahssle I was causing everyone I just wanted to get justice I guess I don’t know I guess I wanted a little bit of safety knowing the police were there 😦 But I went through all that pain and hurt for nothing, it was all a waste he still gets away with it and is a freeman. All along everyone kept telling me to do it for the next girl so that I stop it happening to them and nobody ever thought about my feelings and how horrible it was to talk about it over and over again how terrified I was each and every singe time but I did it because I didn’t want anyone else feeling like I do now. I finally came to terms with having to relive this over and over again so that I can take it through the process of the law and he would be stopped from harming anyone else and now that is taken away from me.

I accept that I deserved what happened to me, I accept that I had it coming but what I can’t accept is this fear, I’m supposed to be the strong one but here I am terrified and alone. Every noise makes me jump, every time I walk down the street I look back to make sure there is nobody there and I thought it would all end when the police had him but now I can’t even have that safety. Everything is out of my control, it’s not my decision not to prosecute it’s not my decision to go home, it’s not my decision to let him walk free but I have no choice in this. Everything is out of my control, in my life I am but a playing card and people play me how they see fit. What hurts the most is all that pain I went through to end up with nothing, I didn’t want to prosecute and rehash my story over and over again I just wanted to bury it and move on but everyone convinced me its the best thing to do not for me but for the next person so I did it and I finally came to terms with the process and was ready to face it but it was a painful waste of my time. 

He wins! After everything……. he took everything from me and he comes out on top, how is that fair! Why does he get to walk free! Why!!!!!