I’m back!!!!

So here I am again back to the beginning, just when I thought life might give me a break after everything I’ve fought through I realize that it was just wishful thinking. I decided to start this blog because I’m officially alone I’ve nobody to turn too, everyone that promised to be there for me just discards me when they’ve had enough, it’s why I have trouble opening up to people because my gut tells me they’ll only get sick of me and leave but I feel so alone all the time that I fall for peoples empty promises of hope. I fall for their lies that they’ll be there no matter what even after I warn them what I’m like they promise to never leave or let me down……I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that everyone eventually does. 

This time is different though, this time against all my better judgement I trusted someone and depended on them and they truly did help me they were there for me through extremely difficult experiences and they made me feel safe, they bent over backwards to help me and did everything they could to make sure I was ok……only to get rid of me when I became too much of a problem. Now here I am alone, vulnerable, scared and with nobody to turn to. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I understand why they got rid of me, I’m nothing but a bad seed, a bad omen that people don’t like to have around because bad stuff always happens when I’m around. It always happens to those I get close to and I guess  it just hurts. Just once I wish that I could have someone to turn to, someone to help me instead of me being the one who always has to pick up the pieces and hold everyone and everything together. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be open and it backfired. I guess I’m supposed to be alone. 

Even the counsellor wont pick up the phone, my investigator wont pick up the phone, I have nobody to call and stupid agency people keep ringing to “check” up on me but all I have to do is smile and act happy and thats them satisfied. They ask stupid questions like have I eaten or did I go out today well I’m hardly going to answer them truthfully to two complete strangers that are there to keep watch on me to make sure I don’t go off the rails before they can wipe their hands of me – the problem! They don’t have to wait much longer I fly home tomorrow.  

You see I’m nothing but a burden to people, I’m not supposed to be helped I’m the one thats supposed to help others and always be there for them and always no matter how I’m feeling pretend to be happy so that they don’t feel guilty for unloading on me…….but even though I know this I’m still human and I still need someone which I know sounds selfish but I can’t help it I just feel so weak. 😦 I’m not strong, I know it seems like I am but thats because I have to be strong for everyone else so they dont have to be but I’m falling apart. I’ve reached rock bottom but still keep falling and there is nobody there to catch me just spectators watching as I crash to the floor. 

People try to help until they realise how much of a burden I am and they leave me like I’m worth nothing and they’re right, I go against my better judgement and trust people because I’m so sick of feeling so alone only to end up right back at the beginning alone and vulnerable. 

I feel like I’m being punished for what he did. I get fired which I understand because I couldn’t do my job anymore, I was a liability to them and in business you have to protect your name but I don’t understand why I had to be shipped off like I was a threat to the kids, like I was a crazed person who would explode at anytime and go on some sort of rampage. Instead they decided to put me up in a hotel which is a really nice hotel but I’m alone in a country I don’t know with absolutely nobody to turn too. I’m terrified and the worst part is I can’t tell anyone when I get back to Ireland because there is so much going on at home that they need me to be strong so I have to go back and paint my fake little smile back on my face and pick up all the pieces for everyone else. 

What about me? Why can’t I matter too 😦 What do I do that causes all this, I know I’m to blame but I just want to fix the bad stuff not cause it 😦 I’m sorry for being such a burden and causing so much hassle for so many people this summer when all they wanted to do was help 😦